Pivoting Back From Results to Why

I set out to write a race recap and a plan to better my own effort at Crooked Gravel, but in doing so, realized that theres so much more too it than that.

A Quick Word of Thanks

In the past few weeks a couple of really cool things have happened that I’m very thankful for.

First, I’ve had a number of people reach out to express their gratitude for this newsletter and have given words of encouragement to continue writing. I can’t tell you all how much those notes mean, and I’m so glad that these posts are useful and valuable to this community.

Second, I just hit 100 subscribers and that number continues to grow. If you you are a subscriber, thank you! I hope you continue to find these valuable and would encourage you to share it with a friend who might as well.

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In July of this year I had the good fortune of sneaking away to Colorado for the weekend with Kelly and another couple (my friend and main riding partner Matt and his wife Kim). Matt and I would be riding along with another friend John, in our first Crooked Gravel event through Winter Park’s Arapaho National Forest. 67 miles of beautiful views and difficult fire roads winding alongside streams and up and over steep climbs that are pretty tough to recreate here in Nebraska.

In an effort to not bury the lead here, my race was not what I hoped it would be. In hindsight, it was doomed before it began, I just didn’t know it yet.

Too few training miles, very little aerobic base, and a head cold combined with the dry air and altitude to almost guarantee a tough day on the bike. For good measure though, I decided to complete my second FMD fast a week prior, leaving my body’s energy reserves on E.

Adding to my list of mistakes included not brining my own ride food and leaving my high-calorie drink mix in the cupboard, and failing to understand the impact of the dry air at elevation and hydrating accordingly.

So many self-inflicted wounds, and all avoidable. I knew better.

Nebraska > Colorado > Starting Line

Getting to Winter Park took about nine hours, all in. The drive out is always the best as the anticipation for the weekend grows, made better by the fact that this was our first trip away with friends AND without the kids. Only one problem, the head cold I’d had all week had reached it’s peak and I was growing more and more concerned that my race was in jeopardy.

Arriving at the airbnb late Friday afternoon, we unpacked our gear, grabbed some provisions from the market next door, met John and his family at race packet pickup, and then went to dinner at a local pizza shop. I wasn’t that hungry and honestly all I wanted to do was to go to bed early in hopes that I’d wake up somehow magically cured and ready to ride.

After dinner, while everyone else went out to get pints of ice cream, I put in my order for some Emergen-C, and went to bed around 8pm.

Waking up somewhere around 6am my state hadn’t changed much. Matt had left a coffee on the counter and I got to work pulling myself together with a mix of LMNT, caffeine, oatmeal, a hot shower, and some serious “you can do this” self talk. An hour later, our Kelly and Kim were seeing us off for the quick ride down to the staging area and the start of the race.

Famous Last Words

Matt and I didn’t really have a goal in mind when we decided to race Crooked Gravel a few months prior. A finishing time honestly never crossed my mind.

“Have fun, just finish,” is probably what I would have said if asked.

It was only for pure logistical reasons that we tried to estimate when we’d be done so Kelly and Kim could plan accordingly.

“If we ride really poorly, five hours. If we ride out of our minds, closer to four. We’ll probably net out around 4:30 to 5:00 though.”

Famous last words.

When It’s Easy, Be Concerned

We’re 14 miles into the ride and are just past the first aid station where we stopped for a bottle fill, a quick bite, and some sunscreen. We’ve already ascended 1200 feet over the first big climb of the day topping out at at 9900 feat above sea level and are now dropping down into the forest below.

My legs were underneath me and I was starting to feel really good. The roads were rough with many corners strewn with ejected bottles, but Matt, John, and I couldn’t get over how amazing the views are and how good it felt to be outside doing this thing.

“Can you believe this?” we just kept saying to one another.

The next 25 miles were the best. I an still see them in my mind. Beautiful scenery all around us melted into blue skies overhead.

John’s descending skills had him up the road for a while as Matt and I navigated some pretty gravel sections that only an equipped 4x4 had any business driving on, but we were loving the flow.

A few miles later we found John waiting for us at a stream crossing and together we paced ourselves and a small group of other riders through a beautiful valley that resembled a scene out of Yellowstone, and then descended a smooth section of tarmac and into the second aid station.

Two Hours of Suffering on County Road 50

The route profile called for about 5100 feet of total elevation gain over 67 miles, 62.137 (100k) of them timed. At this point, we were 39 miles and +2500 feet in. I could have done the math but instead chose to look on the bright side that we were well over halfway done and just about to refill our bottles to finish this thing out.

The remaining 2600 feet of elevation, however, all came in the next 15 miles.

John on the long winding road to the top of CR50

What proceeded was a steady climb up County Road 50 that served as the low point of not just my day, but my entire career on the bike. What should have taken me around 90 minutes and two bottles to complete, took two hours and four bottles (thanks to the two SAG trucks that came to my aid).

The sun, now at it’s highest point, baked the road as temps reached the mid-90s. To make things worse, huge horseflies, seeking any moisture they could find, swarmed the other riders and I who were moving too slowly to get away.

“Perfect,” I thought, “just perfect. This seems almost biblical.”

At one point my left quad cramped so badly that I had to almost lay down amongst the rocks, dirt, and a few other riders who seemed to be suffering in their own personal purgatories. The flies joined me, but the pain in my leg was so intense I barely noticed. After a few moments, another rider helped me to my feet. I’m not sure I would have gotten there without him.

John and Matt had gone up the road out of necessity, just trying to ride their own respective paces, leaving me to ride (and walk) my own race. I have to admit that at this point I thought about quitting, or at least catching a ride up to the aid station.

Settling into the Suck

“Don’t do it,” I heard a woman’s voice say as she say me staring at a SAG truck passing by carrying another rider, “just keep going.”

Knowing my only real option was to do just that, I gritted my teeth and got back on the bike, shifted into my easiest gear and paced myself up and over the top¹ of the climb a mile or so later. Descending now I was soon pulling into the final aid station, a shell of myself, but overjoyed to find Matt and John waiting for me with a look of relief on their faces.

Looking at my Strava file later, I discovered I stopped six times on the way up.

The rest of the course was thankfully downhill. John broke away on a tricky descent retracing the first climb of the day, leaving Matt and I to feel our way back down slowly. I was so spent I struggled to lift my head without pain in my shoulders and neck, and Matt was good enough to pace me back and over the finish line.

5:41:23. 201st out of 229 finishers.

41 minutes longer than our “if it all goes wrong” estimation.

“Just get me home,” was the only thought going through my mind.

Fuel Tank Drained

While I did learn a lot about suffering, and what I was capable of that day, at that moment I no interest in deep reflection and simply wanted off the bike and into a hot shower, and I had no intention of riding back the extra 5 miles to the starting line.

In fact, I wasn’t even sure I could.

Matt however, always seeming to have extra fuel left in the tank, had extended family waiting for him at the ceremonial finish line back in Winter Park so I waived him on ahead and told him that I’d meet he, Kelly, and Kim back in town after I had cleaned up.

I continued to ride for a few moments alone when a voice in my head told me to go officially finish where I started back in down. What did I have to lose?

Matt, surprised to see me, came back around and we crossed the finish line together, almost colliding as neither of us had the momentum or balance for a proper post-up celebration.

Kelly and Kim had found a local watering hole after their own day spent on rented bikes and were waiting for us a few blocks from the finish. I tried to put a smile on my face as I walked up, but I was so gutted from the day’s effort I could barely eat and didn’t finish the Heineken 0.0 I’d ordered.

More of the same at dinner that night and I all but tanked Kim’s idea of going to a local popup circus, imagining the hard wooden benches would not be great for my tender sit bones. I still feel guilty about this one.

Like a zombie, I walked back to the airbnb with the group and promptly passed out for the night about 8:30pm.

Having a Goal, But Not The Goal

Beginning on the car ride home the next day and continuing on until earlier this month, all I could focus on when thinking about Crooked Gravel was my regretful result and the pain I felt climbing County Road 50.

How could I have screwed up my nutrition and hydration so badly?

How did I not train enough to perform better?

What am I going to do differently next year?

How can I take an hour off of that finishing time?

I strategized. Made bulleted lists of where I could shave off 10 minutes here, 15 minutes there. Even schemed a training plan on Zwift to simulate the CR50 climb.

Better my results by 60 minutes. That was the goal.

Or should I say, that was the goal up until just a few days ago.

Finally Seeing What Really Matters

On a regular 1:1 with a colleague and mentor on all things strength and endurance, I was inquiring about a potential training plan and whether or not he thought I should get a coach to help me better structure my offseason and the warmup to Crooked Gravel 2024.

He, an experienced endurance athlete with an Ironman under his belt, didn’t respond with the advice I expected, but instead posed this question:

“Have you thought about what it will feel like if you get the result you think you want?” How long do you think that feeling will last?

Damnit. The question hit me like a ton of bricks.

Said differently, what would it mean to me if I shaved 60 minutes off of my time, but everything else about the trip was the same? I didn’t like the vision or the answer I came up with.

I had sacrificed a lot of fun with Kelly, Matt, and Kim with my low energy, early bed times. Worse yet, my general curmudgeonry certainly made their experience less than ideal and prevented more fun from happening for sure.

Was I willing to do that again? Was my goal worth it?

I sat down after that conversation with my journal and really took stock of these questions.

What is your “Why” for Crooked Gravel 2024?

• Ride bikes in a beautiful and challenging place

• *Have Earn the fitness to enjoy the experience

• Be a concierge for others, not someone that needs to be taken care of

• Be a conduit for positive experiences for Kelly and my friends

The answer clearly became “no, but…”

No, I am not willing to repeat what happened, for me or for everyone else.

But, I do believe it is possible to approach the event and the entire trip itself much differently so that multiple things can be true.

I saw the first trip as “my cycling event” not “our trip away with friends” and that was my true mistake, not the lack of fitness or preparation.

This was the unlock I needed to shift my mindset towards what really matters and I’m so thankful for someone taking the time to ask me the right question at the moment where it really mattered.

Shifting Goals Back to Why

After further reflection these two goals capture my mindset shift back to remain focused on what’s most important, while also serving as motivation for the offseason of training ahead.

Goal 1: Keep others, and their experience, at the forefront of my mind so the trip is more about the experience than my personal race or results.

Goal 2: Prepare better so that I can ride strongly and finish with reserves in the tank so that Goal 1 remains the primary focus.

With the right amount of training, preparation, and intention setting I see the path for contributing in a meaningful way to our shared experience away in Colorado AND also achieving my own personal goals - in harmony with the main objective, not in spite of it.

Crooked Gravel 2024 is going to be different (and I may even ride better too)

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Thanks for reading,

Paul

Move forward. Stay in the game.

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For those interested, I’ll be sharing updates on my shift towards 2024 training here shortly, but I’m going to start by deep diving into this post from

Gordo Byrn

below. I also recommend subscribing to Gordo’s two Substacks,

Endurance Essentials

and

True Wealth

.

Building Your Annual Plan

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More from my journal pages 10/6/2023:

What did you enjoy most about the Crooked Gravel Experience?

• Being in the mountains for the first time in over 15 years

• Riding new and amazing roads

• Riding with good friends

• Being away with Kelly, Matt, and Kim

What else is important to you?

• Make sure everyone else has an amazing experience [in Colorado]

• Don’t miss out on fun experiences because of the ride

• Learn from your mistakes and be prepared

Shaving an hour of time is less about committing to a grueling training plan (probably just a somewhat grueling one) and more about making smarter choices and slowing down less.

• Skip the first rest stop (10 min)

  • Wear a Camelbak and have food packages cut open and in a bento box

  • Skratch Super-Fuel in bottles, water in Camelbak

  • Pre-apply sunscreen

  • Get into the early group and save some energy up the first climb

• Shorten second rest stop (5 min)

• Better manage hydration, no stops up CR50 climb (30 min)

• Shorten third rest stop (5 min)

• Overall faster pace / slow down less (10-15 min)

1. 10,428 feet was the high-point of CR50