Challenging FOPO with Purpose and Balance

Taking a deeper look within to figure out what matters most so we can make the choices that deliver energy and serve our purpose.

Why do we do what we do? Why do we say what we say, eat what we eat, and go where we go? It probably depends a lot on where we’re from and the example we had at home growing up. But if I’m honest with myself, I believe a lot of what I do, or don’t do, has been the result of wanting to fit in with my peers. To do what I believed was socially expected of me out of fear that if I didn’t, I would be left out of the group. Some of that is healthy (social contract, etc.) but I believe it’s also held me back in a lot of areas of life - and certainly gave me pause when considering starting this newsletter in the first place!

Defining FOPO

Image credit Dr. Michael Gervais’s Facebook Post from 11/19/2021

Dr. Michael Gervais, one of my favorite authors and podcasters, calls this resistance Fear of Other People’s Opinion (FOPO), and he outlines it beautifully in this HBR Article from 2019, where he says:

If you start paying less and less attention to what makes you you — your talents, beliefs, and values — and start conforming to what others may or may not think, you’ll harm your potential. You’ll start playing it safe because you’re afraid of what will happen on the other side of the critique. You’ll fear being ridiculed or rejected. When challenged, you’ll surrender your viewpoint. You won’t raise your hand when you can’t control the outcome. You won’t go for that promotion because you won’t think you’re qualified.

Self-Reflection and Purpose

Looking back at the last few years I’ve made some major changes in the face of FOPO, but the struggle was real. It was easier during the isolation of the pandemic (fewer people to fear judgment from), but gathering again with family and friends, at first, I felt like I had to explain myself, and sometimes I still feel that way. What I use as my anchor though is my purpose - being a conduit for others to discover their own energy, well-being, and success - for my family, friends, and colleagues. How can I do that if I have no energy, well-being, and success personally?

Two areas I’ve already talked about but will use here as an example are alcohol and animal products (meat, eggs, dairy, etc.). I began to realize that both left me feeling less than myself. Tired. Tank empty. After making burgers for the family and having a beer I would find myself falling asleep on the couch while the kids wanted to go outside and play. One particularly heavy steak dinner followed the next weekend by an afternoon burger and ice cream put me over the edge - I was falling asleep on the highway, hitting the rumble strips, with Kelly and the kids in the car. That was the moment I knew I needed to make a change to what I was putting into my body. Over the course of the next two years, I slowly refined things little by little and the resulting energy is hard to describe.

Where did FOPO show itself though? Everywhere.

Removing alcohol from my routine was easy. Taking a sparkling water to a backyard party was hard.

Eating a beet salad at a steakhouse on a work trip was easy. Saying “beet salad” to the server taking wagyu orders from the table was hard.

Writing about my experiences and learnings is easy. Sharing my personal thoughts and learnings with others is hard.

Then I began to realize something - nobody really cared! People would ask, but not with judgement - more with curiosity at seeing something different. In the case of this newsletter, I didn’t get questions but words of encouragement and appreciation. I had so much FOPO happening that I realized I was totally missing an opportunity to be authentic, and also to live by example. Do I think everyone will or even should go completely sober and plant based and write about it? No, not unless they think that will help them personally (or others). Do I hope that people around me, or even this community here, ask themselves some tough questions as to what (food, drink, or anything else) gives them energy or drains them of it going into 2023, absolutely.

A Meditation on Balance

To summarize a bit, and to give a nod to Andy P at Headspace, here is a transcript of Day 4 (of 10) of the Balance meditation series that helps you meditate on the different aspects of balance in your life.

It’s really important when we’re training the mind in this way that the way in which we’re living reflects what we’re hoping to attain in the mind. If we’re living a life which is really out of balance, then there’s no way no matter how much of this exercise we do, that we’re going to find an inner sense of balance. So by that I mean looking at how much we’re working, how much time we’re spending on our physical health, our physical wellbeing, whether we’re eating the kind of things or drinking the kind of things which leave us with a greater sense of balance. It’s not that suddenly we have to change the way in which we live our lives, it’s not that we have to change the habits necessarily that we’ve developed over time. But it’s really worth taking the time to notice how different things leave you feeling in life. And if there are things you can change - then taking the necessary measures so that all of the conditions are in place to support the training you’re doing here towards finding a sense of inner balance in your life.

Thank you for reading and wishing you and yours the the very best this holiday season,

Paul

PS: If you don’t use Headspace but are curious, check out this free 30 day Guest Pass and see what you think. I’m happy to share a few of my favorites.

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What I’m fueling with right now

• Food: Instant Pot Chickpea Curry (taking this to Christmas dinner, we’ll see how it goes over 😂)

• Podcast: Finding Mastery Live AMA with Dr. Michael Gervais from 12/19/22

• Recovery: Trying to power through a cold with a recovery tea similar to this one, but I add in some ACV too